For the past few weeks, people who I perceive as having wronged or wounded me have been floating around in my head. I knew that it was past time to do a little house cleaning; I just wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Prior Efforts

Several years ago I tried two different methods of getting rid of these squatters. One was to burn the two biggest intruders in effigy. A good idea in principle, a bit harder in practice unless you choose your materials carefully. I chose two boiled wool Christmas ornaments that looked a lot like the two women who had to go. Boiled wool does not burn easily. Twenty minutes and half a box of matches later, they were gone. And they stayed gone.

The second method was to repeat a particularly frightening and hurtful line over and over until I started to laugh at an undercurrent of courtliness in a vile threat. Once I started laughing, I was able to turn the whole experience into a puff ball and blow it off into nothingness. This also stayed gone.

Today’s Effort

In the midst of a massive cleaning, straightening and dumping, I found a pad of Thank You Post-its. Perfect! Over the years, I’ve written letters to parts of my younger self whose opinions and protective actions were no longer needed and this gave me an idea. Everyone comes into your life for a reason. For what might I thank each of these people? As I wrote names on each Post-it, I thought about the lessons learned: not everyone will (or should be expected to) reciprocate kindness; create clear boundaries; have a written contract for all work; someone’s negative opinion has nothing to do with what you think of yourself. I wrote out all of my thank you notes and added a sweet goodbye note, then sent them all ablaze.

Next?

My head feels very clear now. I can keep the lessons learned and even smile at them without giving in to resentment, anger and grief. It’s a good feeling. My goal is to remember that forgiveness isn’t really forgiveness unless I’m ready to forget. And to simply shake my head and move on in the future.

Many of us somehow manage to do several things at once. I’m a Life Architect and Professional Noodge/Author. I know a psychotherapist/potter, two life coach/ministers, an artist/business coach, an author/workshop leader and many, many working parents. How do we juggle these roles? Stay reasonably organized? Stay reasonably sane? Squeeze in a bit of time for fun and friendship?

Is Your Calendar Your Best Friend or Worst Enemy?

Let’s start here. If your calendar isn’t your best friend, this would be a good time to remedy that. While I am generally organized, that isn’t enough. I follow the advice I give my clients:

1. Get the best calendaring tools you are comfortable with.
2. Use them!
3. Schedule everything. This includes alone time, family time, entertainment time and play dates as well as business appointments, client time and working on any career that is not client-driven (painting, sculpting, writing, photography).
4. Use online scheduling tools when you can. This saves me from double-booking, dealing with appointment changes and cancellations and allows clients to find times that suit them from a list of times that suit me.
5. Consider both electronic and paper planners. I like a paper planner that allows me to set and track goals and chart activities related to those goals. For an overall picture of my day, week, month, thought, I rely on my computer and phone. I can see where I’m supposed to be, including an address and phone number. I can block out writing time, days off, etc. and see them easily.

Next?

This is the first post in a month-long series, as part of The Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’ll be posting on a range of topics related to managing that “AND” and I hope you’ll add to the discussion with questions, comments and tips of your own.

 The Sevens

There are two sets of sevens that helped me create a life design framework for my work with women ready to construct their best life. The first is a group of seven questions that I ask women who are planning their lives:

 Life Planning

These questions help create a framework or blueprint for you to fill in to create your ideal life.

1. What will my legacy be?

This isn’t about finances, although that may be part of your thinking. How do you want to be remembered? Do you want to change the world – or the lives around you – in some way? I will always remember the professor who introduced me to transformative learning as well as my great aunt, who made the world’s best apple pie. Both of these people’s legacies are part of the life I’ve created for myself. I help people transform and, although I can’t recreate Auntie’s pie, I best some of the best cookies around.

2. What meaningful work do I now want to do?

This goes beyond paid employment. For some women, happiness lies in the perfect career; for others, the ideal volunteer activity; for some, a combination of paid and volunteer work. One friend chose a relatively dull job so that her energies were free for her political activities. One woman I interviewed has a high-powered job and still manages to be actively involved in raising prize-winning alpacas. Others have moved into heading non-profit organizations.

3. How can I fulfill my need to nurture?

Some women live for their grandchildren. Some bond with their pets. Some cuddle infants in hospitals and orphanages. Some have wonderful plants. Some mentor. There are many ways to nurture. The two rescue cats that boss me around can tell you that.

3. How can I sustain meaningful relationships in my life?

As we age, our relationships within our families and friendship circles change. Some will move from single to in relationship; some will become parents, grandparents, perhaps great-grandparents; some will lose spouses or life partners. People move away. People die. Interests change. The need for meaningful relationships, though, continues.

5. How can I express myself creatively?

Although we may not all be painters or sculptors or writers, we all need some means of expression. It could be baking or helping friends pick the perfect outfit or gardening. It could be singing in the choir or planning perfect parties. Whatever your outlet, creativity is part of a joyous life.

6. How can I meet my spiritual needs?

Spirituality does not need to be limited to formal religion to be part of a balanced life. In this context, spirituality refers to awareness of something greater than yourself from which you gain meaning. Perhaps you worship regularly. Perhaps you meditate. Perhaps you spend time in nature. Spirituality is about having a regular outlet for self-renewal.

7. What surroundings do I want?

This is about finding the right place for your ideal life. For every woman who moves to a big city later in life, there is another who seeks a simpler, more rural life. Will necessities like medical care or mobility limit your choices? Who will you want to be near? What services do you need? What activities are important to you?

Creating a Vibrant Life

The second seven is a set of characteristics that I found in the women I interviewed. These are the traits that supported creating a satisfying, lives and wild life:

1. Resilience.

Most of us face challenges in life. What’s important is having the ability to bounce back; to rise above them; to find an alternate path. Yes, we may initially respond with depression, immobility, grief and that’s both understandable and normal. But at some point, it’s time to move on. I’ve interviewed women who have lost children, husbands, parents, friends. I’ve interviewed women whose businesses collapsed, who got fired or lost jobs, who filed for bankruptcy, who survived floods and fires and rape and abuse and cancer. And they all found a way to learn from tragedy and to rebuild their lives. And they’re happy and successful moving forward.

2. Persistence.

If something didn’t work the first time, these women tried again. Or tried something slightly different. Or found a whole new path to achieve what they’d wanted from the original goal. They didn’t give up or walk away.

3. Curiosity and Restlessness.

So many women are lifelong learners. They are always exploring. Some described themselves as easily bored. It amazed me to find so many women whose attitude was, “been there, done that, loved it.” This was always followed by asking what’s next. Curiosity keeps us live, aware, exploring, and excited.

4. Openness to New Things.

This is similar to curiosity. Women who create their ideal lives are much more likely to say “why not?” than “why?” If offered the opportunity to create a new business or move to Asia, they’re there.

5. Scanning the Environment, Recombining and Synthesizing.

What do you see when you look at the world? This is about being able to take both a broad and narrow view. It’s easier to create your ideal life when you see how everything you know or have done can be recombined and synthesized – reused in unexpected ways or brought together in an unusual manner. Many of the most successful women I spoke with were also able to scan the horizon and see emerging trends and possibilities.

6. Dealing with Fear

Many of us may be afraid on a regular basis. What do you do when faced with fear? How do you separate unrealistic fears from realistic ones?

7. Creating a Legacy and Having Fun

According to Jung, the second half of life is about making meaning. What will your legacy be? What will you have contributed to the world. And finally, are you enjoying your life? Fun keeps us vibrant and young. What’s fun for you?

So, here are fourteen things for you to think about. I’ll go into greater details on each in the next few weeks. Stop by www.Susanrmeyer.com and see what’s happening.

Sounds like an odd question, doesn’t it? Mark Nepo, in The Book of Awakening, says, “What is not ex-pressed gets de-pressed.” So, today I ask myself, what needs to get uncovered? What needs to see the light of day, get felt fully, expressed to myself, then set free? The past few days, I’ve felt slighted by a few people in the outer part of my circle. Missed connections, unanswered emails – things that happen often enough; things I’ve been guilty of. Yet this felt different somehow.

Holding On

When I reflected a bit, poked around a bit, I found a huge pile of perceived slights, a bit smelly by now, growing mold, taking up space. I’d pushed them down until they became like those odd, awful things you find in the bottom of the vegetable bin when you haven’t cleaned out your refrigerator in recent memory. The more I’d pushed them down, the bigger – and smellier – they got. No surprise there.

The more I’d hold on, the more convinced I became that these slights were not overblown or imagined – they were absolutely real. I thought of that old childhood ditty, “Nobody loves me, everybody hates me – I’m gonna eat some worms.” Well, no – I don’t think so. Holding on, depressing clearly isn’t a workable strategy.

Expressing

So that means expressing – at least to myself – what I’m feeling. It doesn’t necessarily mean sharing and it doesn’t mean a deep, long therapeutic intervention. Like so many others, I’ve known the roots of these insecurities for decades. Instead, I think, it means making better use of my internal radar. It means stopping, breathing, reflecting, and asking the Byron Katie question, “Is that true?” before doing or feeling anything. And it means expressing my hurt or frustration to myself rather than pushing those feelings down like yet another piece of fruit of a questionable age left to rot in the vegetable bin.

Letting Go

I find that once I’ve expressed how I’m feeling, once I’ve looked for the truth behind the feeling, I can start to let go. I can stop feeling sorry for myself long enough to be reminded of the circle of love that surrounds me. I can think about what I might be doing to close off possibilities to expand that circle. I can reach out to find new ways to create openings for those on the outer edges. I can think of what I might be doing to push people away out of fear of future real or imagined rejection.

Results?

Over the weekend, as part of a thorough cleaning, I took the time to clean out the vegetable bins. It had been a while, and there were some nasty surprises. Yesterday, I started doing the same with my friendship circles. My intention? No more nasty surprises.

Creating the Life You Want

My cat, Obie, knows how to get everything he wants in life. He’s most insistent about having his needs met, whether it is being fed (well, that’s more his brother’s job – Obie is a good delegator) or sitting on me or being petted, he’s relentless. I understand why so many people say that in their next life they’d like to come back as a house cat. It can be a very satisfying existence.

Leaping

In the past few months, Obie has learned to leap. I’m not happy about this, and he doesn’t care. He blithely hops from my chair to the printer to the top of the computer armoire. This didn’t make me happy, but I could live with it. Within a few days, he leapt from the armoire to the adjacent bookcase. Again, not happy, but I can live with this.

A week or so later, he decided to test his skills with a real leap. To my horror, he leapt the two and a half foot gap across a doorway to a second bookcase. Now I’m unhappy. No good can come of this. He’s going to get stuck. It’s too big a risk. Obie doesn’t agree.

Having conquered the living room, Obie moves on to the kitchen. I find him on a low cabinet, then on the refrigerator, supervising me as I cook. He’s happy I’m not. A couple of days ago, he figured out how to leap across the kitchen from the refrigerator to the china cabinet. He’s eyeing the kitchen cabinets now.

Lessons

Sometimes, my clients don’t know what they want. We spend weeks – sometimes months – figuring this out. Some of them are brave and persistent. Like leaping Obie, they set new challenges and go for them.

Sometimes, though, my clients – and me as well – stand on the precipice and freeze. It’s hard to take that leap. Cats have an innate faith that they can sail through the air and land where they want. We are rarely as sure. The lesson that I’ve learned from my insistent, persistent cat is that the leap is worth it. He looks so self-satisfied when he succeeds.

Not yet ready to leap? Hop. Take a giant step. Small risks and small successes lead to bigger risks and bigger successes. Go for it

Or maybe not. This may not be your mother’s version of aging, but I know that my 70’s are not that different from my grandmother’s. My grandmother worked until she was 65. Then she traveled, became active in her synagogue, visited, and in general stayed very busy. Sally, also past 70, splits her time among Manhattan, Maine and Cambodia. She sews and makes jam in Maine, just has fun in New York and volunteers in Cambodia. Phyllis is working on science fiction/fantasy film projects as she reimagines her business model. Carole is thinking about leaving her current job to lead tours. Sharon owns a major company.Betsy left editing for publishing. I could go on and on.

There was a lot of pressure on our mothers to not work, although many of them did. Every women’s magazine portrayed the working woman as selfish – taking a job away from a returning vet. They pushed the merits of homemaking and treated it as a blessing, not a burden. The women’s movement of the sixties and seventies was in many ways about emerging from that cocoon. Even for working women, homemaking was seen as central. We moved into an era that seemed more doing it all than having it all.

Or Reimagining an Old Model

When I started to think about our age cohort, I was reminded of women of earlier eras. Women for whom working in the home also involved being out in the fields, caring for livestock, creating almost everything in the household, raising and often educating children and nursing. These women would never have imagined a retirement that centered around leisure. They found leisure and pleasure in pockets, quiet moments in their day-to-day routines. And they worked their entire lives. And they were active and vibrant.

So, I think we may be more like earlier generations of women who didn’t so much compartmentalized their lives but simply lived them. Women who found purpose in activities both big and small. I came across this wonderful article this morning: http://womensenews.org/2016/04/my-role-models-worry-more-about-losing-their-minds-than-their-looks/. Here’s a peek:

These women are wondering about how to be themselves and grow, rather than how to be their age. They rejoice in a new sense of self that replaces acting out of obligation with choice; in how they spend their time, with whom and why. They celebrate the freedom to make more choices that are truer to what they actually want.

That’s what I’m seeing too – and what I hope to see more of.

Blaze Your Own Trail

More and more, programs are designed to help women over fifty explore new directions and create lives they love. These women are my favorite clients – my passion and my joy. Who could not be delighted to see a woman in her sixties move into a new career? Or cultivate a long-forgotten passion for teaching or dancing or painting?

You will find that many paths have already been at least partially cleared. You will find groups to support you in your quest. Go for it!

Yeah, I know, I know – when lie gives you lemons, make lemonade. Well, it’s 27 degrees and windy, even though it’s April, so I won’t be making lemonade, thank you. If life gives me lemons today, I will say thank you, put them away, and move on. Despite the underlying message of the catch-phrase, I will do nothing.

Maybe I don’t want lemonade. Maybe I choose to simply admire the beauty of the lemons. Maybe I want a lemon tea cake. I know that the idea here, really, is to make the best use of what you have or have been given. After appreciating each new gift, I want to take a reflection break. I want to stop, examine the gift, and contemplate how each new gift fits into my life. I want to take informed action.

A Reflective Moment

That can sound overwhelming or unnecessary or even a bit woo-woo. Not really. This is really sound science. Your brain needs a bit of time to absorb, make sense of, and integrate new information. Do I like lemons? Should I feel threatened by this gift? Do I have time to make lemonade? What do lemons mean to me? What memories do they evoke? All of this runs through your mind in a matter of seconds. Taking time to access this information helps you know clearly what your choice should be.

Back to the Lemons

When life gives me lemons, I stop, enjoy the feel of the skin, inhale the aroma, and immediately spend a few seconds in Tuscany, inhaling the lemon-perfumed breezes. And, for that moment, I am at peace and all is good.

So, when life gives me lemons, I will have a mini-vacation and perhaps simply go ahead with my original agenda. And I will remember that, whatever life gives me, I will appreciate, reflect, and then decide.

Starting Over II

You get up in the morning raring to go. You’re excited about your master plan. Your zany, huge goal, the new life you’re creating, the project – in an organization or within your own venture – that you can’t wait to complete. You go through whatever morning rituals are important to your physical and spiritual wellbeing. If you’re me, you have that essential mug of coffee. Now you’re all set. And yet, nothing happens. Sound familiar?

Both as a coach and as a person embarking on a major project, this scenario is all too familiar. Thinking about starting something is exciting. Doing the actual work can sometimes be something very different. When I used to advise dissertation candidates, we called this the clean refrigerator syndrome. I’ve come to understand that this is as true of entrepreneurs, executives, coaches, and anyone involved is something big that will result in some kind of change. I’ve visited clients on a project deadline who were very busy reorganizing their files when I arrived. Entrepreneurs have spent hours ordering new business cards or perusing LinkedIn or Facebook in the face of a big step. And yes, right now I have a very clear house.

Procrastination

Sometimes, procrastination is productive. Kerul Kassel wrote about this in 2007. Procrastination can happen when we’re not sure of our decision or when we need time to think a project through. More often, though, it’s avoidance. It’s fear – of success or of failure. It’s seeking perfection. Avoiding ridicule. Any combination of these things.

When procrastination gets in my clients’ way or in my way, I know that something has to shift. When I see that I’m caught up in a bad case of the “what if’s,” I just go for it. Okay, what’s the worst that could happen? And i it did, what would you do? The what’s the worst that could happen? I’ll run through this about seven times. Usually, I’m laughing so hard that the last couple are really hard. Try it – you’ll see how easy it is to move into the ridiculous. Then I just pick myself up and get to work.

It’s harder, though, to avoid deer-in-the-headlights paralysis when a lot is at stake. As I redefine and expand my coaching practice, I understand more deeply how my clients have felt in these moments. And I have a very clean apartment.

I’ve had clients reorganize everything you can imagine, from files to cabinets, to alphabetizing spices. Some mornings, I hear an old box of photographs whispering to me. Somehow, none of that gets the work done, though.

Just Stop It!

What I need – what my clients need – is a plan. I’ve done this before; I can do it again. A friend got her doctoral dissertation written in fifteen minute increments. She figured that she could do anything for fifteen minutes, no matter how much she hated it. I worked on mine for longer periods of time with a system of rewards. I set writing goals and if I met my goal I had a chocolate chip cookie from a local bakery and watched an hour of a daytime drama I’d taped. I had no life outside of trips to replenish the cookie supply. It’s not a path I’d repeat or recommend. I even tried a distraction-management plan adapted from a routine a friend used to manage anxiety attacks. He’d permit himself fifteen minutes of obsessing before forcing himself to move on. I’d allow fifteen minutes of cleaning or solitaire before forcing myself back to work.

Huge Vision, Small Plans, Small Steps

Sometimes, you just don’t want to see the big picture. It’s important to have a gloriously huge vision. See yourself already there. Live in that world. Be that person. And with that vision firmly panted deep in your brain, park it. Go for the small steps. Break everything down into the smallest steps possible. Complete one step at a time. Reward yourself. Go on to the next.

Everyone has to find a system that works for them. Try a few things out; tinker with the system until it feels right. I learned that cookie rewards, for example, were not the best idea unless I wanted to keep buying an ever-expanding wardrobe. Today, I mastered the repeat payment feature in my shopping cart. I competed one blog post. I spent an hour working on a book chapter. I had a schedule and I had rewards. One was some time to read a mystery. Another was a taped cooking show. When I finish setting up new mastermind groups, I’ll be having lunch with a friend. When I finish the book chapter, I’m going to a movie. And, of course, when that huge vision is a reality, it’s party time!

Surprise!

There’s a saying in coaching that you end up coaching the clients who need what you yourself need to work on. So, it’s no small irony that, as someone who coaches women over forty who are planning the next phase of their life, I am currently planning my own next phase. And that I know at least one other coach who works with similar clients who is also starting over.

What It Looks Like In My World

In my twenties, I taught in early childhood programs. In my thirties, I wanted to work with adults, so transitioned through teaching in a career-related program at a local college to about twenty years in staff and organizational development. There, I discovered my love of coaching. I quit at fifty, with nothing in the works, to become a coach. After several years of bits and pieces, I created the first internal coaching program within New York City Government and coordinated and coached within that program for six years, until this Fall, when the agency abruptly decided to end the program. Like magic (not the good kind), I went from a steady base of fifteen to twenty clients to one. Whoops! Well, been here, done this – time to do it again.

Now What?

So here’s where I begin relying on everything I believe in and everything that is part of my work with clients. I know this works, because this is my third major reboot experience, so I need to take my own advice. As you may know, that’s never as easy as it sounds. The rebuilding process looks something like this:

1. Resilience, Persistence and Optimism

Resilience is what keeps you from spending your life on the couch watching really bad television.

I’ve bounced back before. I can do it again. What I’m learning, though, is that it can take longer when you’re older. I enjoy working and have no desire to stop, yet some days, I look at my fully retired friends and find it hard to get energized. The I think about women like Jeannette, who started what has become a thriving business when she was older than I am now. Or Alice, who continues to build her business past eighty. Or even Grandma Moses who didn’t pick up a paint brush until late in life.

Do something every day that moves you toward your next great thing. I’ll admit that I’m not as quick to run out to yet another event when the weather is bad. Still, there’s always something to do. Set up virtual coffee dates to network or for informational interviewing. Read and comment on blogs. Write something. Learn how to use the newer forms of social media, like Periscope or Blab. Check out LinkedIn groups or Google Hangouts.

Ask everyone, everyone, everyone for job or client leads. The more people who know what you’re looking for, the greater the likelihood someone can help. I think of that old sales axiom that it takes a hundred no’s to get one yes. I think of Sharon, who, with no business background and didn’t even know what an invoice looked like, kept knocking on doors until she got her first contract and who now has a highly successful contracting business.

Remain optimistic. If you need the occasional pity party, set the timer for maybe fifteen minutes, then pick yourself up, smile, do a little dance and remind yourself that things are going to turn around. Believe that. Envision the outcome. See yourself in that office or on that stage and see buckets full of cash. If you can’t imagine what you want, you’ll never be able to make it happen. Part of optimism is seeing your future as real – it creates a roadmap.

2. Self-Care

Now is the time to take really, really good care of yourself. Check in with your doctor to be sure everything is in order. Get yourself out of the house. Spend time with friends. Spend time doing inexpensive things that you love. Exercise. It relieves stress and reenergizes you. Balance that exercise with time for inner peace. Meditate, journal, read inspirational books, listen to music, sit very still. Whatever it takes to maintain an inner balance. Watch what you’re eating. It’s all too easy to reach for the junk food. My particular downfall is sugar. What I know, though, is that ice cream isn’t going to bring me comfort. It’s going to make me lethargic and unable to work. One cookie too many and I fall asleep. I keep fruit that I love in the house – it’s one extravagance in my revised budget. Melon may not be in season, but the cost of a package of honeydew chunks is, in the long run, far less than that box of cookies.

3. Be ready

So far, I’ve had the opportunity to teach in a coaching program that I love. I’ve been invited to speak to a few groups – and have gotten a few clients through those events. I’ve had a good response to the launch of my book as an ebook. I’ve been invited to record a few podcasts and a radio show. Little steps, little steps – yet forward motion.

Those clients are out there. They need me and my experience with redesigning my own life to get them where they want to be. The clients will come – that might even mean someone you know or it might mean you.