For the past few weeks, people who I perceive as having wronged or wounded me have been floating around in my head. I knew that it was past time to do a little house cleaning; I just wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Prior Efforts

Several years ago I tried two different methods of getting rid of these squatters. One was to burn the two biggest intruders in effigy. A good idea in principle, a bit harder in practice unless you choose your materials carefully. I chose two boiled wool Christmas ornaments that looked a lot like the two women who had to go. Boiled wool does not burn easily. Twenty minutes and half a box of matches later, they were gone. And they stayed gone.

The second method was to repeat a particularly frightening and hurtful line over and over until I started to laugh at an undercurrent of courtliness in a vile threat. Once I started laughing, I was able to turn the whole experience into a puff ball and blow it off into nothingness. This also stayed gone.

Today’s Effort

In the midst of a massive cleaning, straightening and dumping, I found a pad of Thank You Post-its. Perfect! Over the years, I’ve written letters to parts of my younger self whose opinions and protective actions were no longer needed and this gave me an idea. Everyone comes into your life for a reason. For what might I thank each of these people? As I wrote names on each Post-it, I thought about the lessons learned: not everyone will (or should be expected to) reciprocate kindness; create clear boundaries; have a written contract for all work; someone’s negative opinion has nothing to do with what you think of yourself. I wrote out all of my thank you notes and added a sweet goodbye note, then sent them all ablaze.

Next?

My head feels very clear now. I can keep the lessons learned and even smile at them without giving in to resentment, anger and grief. It’s a good feeling. My goal is to remember that forgiveness isn’t really forgiveness unless I’m ready to forget. And to simply shake my head and move on in the future.

An article from Next Avenue that appeared in my email this morning, Why We Can Relate To This Sinatra Album, reminded me why Sinatra still influences my thinking and sometimes my nostalgic dreaming. Read the article. And, as Autumn begins, as September starts to wind down, spend a couple of minutes with the man himself:

Blondell is our first permanent loss and she’ll be missed. You can read elsewhere about Blondell’s public life as an internationally-celebrated dancer and choreographer. From time to time, she shared stories about dancing, living in Paris, leading workshops. But most of our conversation was about everyday things. And Blondell’s everyday life was always fascinating. She was always busy. She was part of several TTN groups, evaluated arts companies for grant funding and worked to regain control of her family’s Harlem brownstone, with the dream of creating a community arts center.

What I’ll remember most about Blondell is her energy. She’d sweep into the meeting, usually a little late, carrying a large bottle of water for herself and a bag of popcorn to share. She was funny and she was deep. We spent as many hours, as a group, laughing at ourselves and the foibles of everyday life as discussing the problems of the world.

We didn’t know that Blondell was ill. She was a very private woman. In retrospect, we may wonder if her illness was what pushed her to finally work on getting her papers and performance tapes in order. As proud as she was of  her body of work, though, we’ll also remember how proud she was of logging enough hours in her community pool to get an award and a tee shirt every year.

The rest of the group will go on. I hope that we’ll hold each other a bit more closely. All of us are over sixty; some over seventy. Even as the circle gets smaller, we’ll continue to celebrate and support each other.

This loss taught me to spend more time connecting and reconnecting with my larger circle. I’m being more intentional in making time for nurturing friendships. I’m experimenting with meeting and engaging a few new people as well. The new faces won’t replace those who are now out of reach; they’ll add something different. And I’ll add to their lives as well.

1.  Cool afternoon breezes. I love Fall and Spring as bearers of breezes. There’s nothing I can think of that is as invigorating and soothing at the same time as a long afternoon walk with sunlight and a breeze caressing your face. Even in the middle of the city, it takes me to a woodside stream.

2.  So many favorite restaurants nearby that it’s hard to choose among them. Franny’s pizza? Tacis Bety’s tarator and mini shish kebab? Tanoreen’s baba ganoush? Anything at Japonica? Almost every nationality is represented less than an hour from my doorstep.

3.  Parades. I love a parade. I’ve spent decades peeling chestnuts while watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. I love the Rose Bowl parade – all those flowers, all those people spending hours and hours creating something beautiful. This year, I had a front row seat, bundled up in six layers of clothes because the temperature was 32. We didn’t care. It was spectacular. We even got caught up in the ritual cheering of the pooper scooper squad, who are very much like rodeo clowns.

4.  My DVR. Long gone are the days of having to ask how something ended. If I fall asleep, my trusty DVR will reveal all. I can rewind to catch something that I missed. I’m also delighted that the current model minds its own business. My original TiVo had the habit of taping things on its own, because, it said, “TiVo doesn’t want you to ever be without something to watch.” We parted ways when the machine decided I really needed to include more foreign language programming in my life.

5.  Cooking with friends and family. Thanksgiving is one of those occasions. I love the many interpretations other cooks bring to dishes. This year, it took three of us to turn the turkey and our laughter didn’t make the task any easier. For many years, a friend and I spent a cozy evening dipping orange slices in chocolate while listening to Christmas music. It’s a favorite memory for both of us.

6. The view entering Manhattan. Either the express bus or the Q train offer me a chance to say good morning to this lovely lady.

7.  Movies. Good ones, less than stellar ones, sad ones, funny ones, challenging ones – I’m a movie junkie. Every so often, I’ll binge and see two or three in the same day. When I can’t sleep, TMC or AMC with the volume turned way down is as soothing as a lullaby. I find role models and marvelous quotes. “Sometimes it seems to me that the difference between what we want and what we fear is the width of an eyelash.” was worth an unexceptional plot line.

8.  Festivals – especially The Great Hudson River Revival (otherwise known as Clearwater). I love singing and dancing and do both badly, so what could be better than banding together with a few thousand of my closest non-critical friends to indulge in great music, stellar crafts and great food?

9. Books and books and books and books. This is a double, because my love of books has led me to learn to love my Kindle. I’m a compulsive reader. Have been since I was about four. I’ll read a cereal box if there’s no other printed matter in sight. Although the twelve crowded bookcases in my apartment attest to my loyalty to my books, I can also be very fickle. When I’m traveling, I invariably don’t want to read what I thought I wanted to read. This used to mean packing two books, buying two new books at the airport and still another two during the trip. The 426 options currently on my device and the who-knows-how-many in the Cloud allows me to change my mind as often as I’d like.

10.  The swans in Sheepshead Bay. They come back every year. They mate for life. They’re beautiful.

11. Traveling. I am grateful for conferences that take me to places I might never otherwise visit. I meet interesting people, collect wonderful stories, explore everything from potentially hokey tourist hot spots to hidden treasures. In Sicily, a friend and I were treated to a tour of the caves where early Christians hid and the strangest paintings of what were probably martyrs that I’ve ever seen. In Kuala Lumpur I let fish nibble on my feet in a unique spa experience. In Rome, a group of people on my tour bus carried a wheel chair-bound friend up the steps of St. Paul’s so he didn’t have to miss it and the Swiss Guards let him exit using the Pope’s private elevator. The photo is one of my favorites from a temple in Sri Lanka.

12.  My cats. They could also be on the least favorite list, depending on the day, but for today, they’ll round out my dozen. It’s nice to be greeted at the door when I come home. I love listening to them purr. They’re lovely when they’re asleep – on their own or curled up on me. And they’re a constant source of amusement.

What’s on your list?

Here’s a short career short synopsis:
From jet mechanic in the military to legal secretary to sales professional to sales management back to sales professional. And there’s a huge difference between managing and being part of a team.

In her last career, she was doing recycling – “which is pretty much, you know, what kind of trash can I buy? And now I’m doing technology sales.”

I got fed up with technology sales. And all of this occurred during my menopause. I’m very serious. All started out at about age 50 – the rollercoaster ride. From a good management position to buying trash to what I’m doing now, which is technology sales.

In technology, recycling is sort of reverse logistics – it’s where I would meet with government – federal and state and I would procure obsolete electronic equipment because there’s a lot of money in electronic equipment. There’s a lot of gold and platinum – they have a value on the market – they’re a commodity. You can’t resell government equipment. You have to break it down into the raw commodities and put it back on the market.

I moved into technology sales because I was ready for a change, but I don’t like it. I find that these kids – and they are – just kids – they’re half my age and they just don’t get it I was taught that when you’re at a job you run it for profit and you follow business ethics and you don’t cut corners. You don’t cut throats, you respect one another. There’s two type of people – there’s the kind – you know, when you walk into a furniture store and they’re all can I help you, can I help you and then there’s the kind of sales person who wants to build a relationship and develop that relationship. These kids don’t get relationship sales. They have this “what’s in it for me” mentality and I just got fed up with the whole environment. I was just fed up with these whiny, backstabbing kids. And that’s exactly what – they create drama. But it wasn’t just one company. It’s that – I mean, I’ve had other positions. I’ve some 40 within this 7 or 8 year stretch – companies that I’ve worked with – these kids – and they are kids – they don’t have what we had. They aren’t taught that businesses are run for profit – that you run it as if it’s your own business – they don’t have that mentality. They have a drama queen mentality.

I did the recycling thing for a little over a year. And I will share with you that it’s a little like a being a bottom-feeder in the food chain because you’re buying trash. I mean, so it’s like from silk dresses to jeans.  It was like going from queen to the ugly one instead of ugly one to queen.
Humbling. Very humbling.

It was a real journey. Yeah – I really started to look at me as me. I mean, me as a bottom-feeder. You know, I guess I really allowed myself to feel kicked down. It lasted until I decided to get back into technology sales. Which was 13 months ago. And I don’t know if it was brought on by menopause – I mean, I really and truly don’t what brought that on – or post-menopause. I took the job because I was frustrated with dealing with all these kids. I’m talking about the companies that are going after these young kids so that they can hire them for half of what you or I would get.

So I didn’t realize that was my next journey – my next transition, if you will. And it was a transition, because I did feel completely kicked down. I read a lot of therapy books. And start seeing a psychologist. I mean, literally, to pick myself back up. I’ve spent this whole year reading all kinds of books. I read The Art and Science of Communication: Tools for the Effective Communication in the Workplace by P.F. Perkins – she really did do a good job writing about interracial – or different groups – she writes about working with these young kids, The Last Lecture, by Randy Pausch, The Secret – and then I found a really good tape called The Secret Things to God – now I’m pretty darned religious. I don’t know that that had popped out, but now it’s back in. Keeping the Love You Find, 7 Habits of Effective People, The Power of Positive Thinking, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Giving the Love that Heals, Your Perfect Right, which was an excellent book by Albert Nevins.

When I was growing up – and I’m a 60’s child – late 60’s , early 70’s is when I graduated, from California, Haight-Ashbury – and I know that growing up I’d always heard about a generation gap. Well that’s what I feel I’m caught up in right now. It is a generation gap. And that’s what prompted me to start seeing Dr. B – that there was such a communication gap between myself and my peers and these younger kids.

Let’s just say when you’re kicked down, it’s a a journey to pick yourself back up. It really is. And it’s a lot of self-assessment. And its not so much of looking backwards. Its living in the now and what can I do to adjust to the now.

I read a book called Parent, Adult, Child – and that’s what prompted all this. And I must have been just on my 50th birthday or thereabouts. And I picked it up at a garage sale. And I thought, what a good book. And I guess at that point it was just a turning point for me. And I guess I allowed myself to get kicked down. And you know, the job was not bad – it’s not like I was crawling in trash or anything, but I guess I felt kicked down, because I was feeling – I knew it was trash. It was all about association, if that makes any sense to you. And I mean seriously, if you saw my wardrobe – all silk dresses – I mean, I’ve got some very nice attire here – to go down to buying trash. And I don’t know if it was the hot flashes, the lack of sleep, I mean, I don’t know if it was the whole pre-menopausal that led me to be fed up with corporate America. I don’t know if it was the body changing that led to this escalation. And I do sometimes think about that. And I wonder if there are any studies on that, because I do know that there are hormonal changes. And I opted to not take any hormones. Nope – I will not subject myself to that.

I think I came to terms with me. I’m finally at peace in my journey of life. I’m finally at the level now that I realize that everything is OK. There’s only so much – you take on jobs and go to work and come home so unfulfilled or you can just say the hell with it. And I did. When I got out of the recycling I didn’t work for three months. I spent a good month and a half not looking for work – just looking at who am I? And journaling, who am I? Where do I want to be in life? What are my goals? And it wasn’t work-related goals. You know – do I want to have my house paid? Do I want to take trips? Do I want to take life a little easier now? Now that my child is grown and out of the house, do I even want to own a house any more? And those are the things I’ve evaluating right now and assessing as far as do I want to sell my home.

And do I just want to – and I’m seriously considering – do I want to just get myself a Winnebago and travel the country. I’m seriously considering it. You know, I’ve got a good 20 years left to work, according to Social Security. And I can pick up little odd-and-end jobs – Walmart greeter, waitress, here and there. And just not have any responsibility. I’ve had responsibility for so many years. I’m to the point where I wonder do I want responsibility any more, other than to myself. And owning a home is a responsibility. Or do I want to be free like I was before I got into the working world? So I don’t know why people ever contemplate whether there would be a journey, cause I’m living it right now.

But I am at that cusp of what direction do I want to go now. I’ve worked almost half my life and do I want to work hard the rest of my life to maintain the lifestyle that I have or do I just want to become free? Because I’m not married, and I have that choice.

My heart is not in my job. It truly is not. My heart is really weighing towards selling my home – and getting a Winnebago and just journeying – just traveling and meeting people. You know – living in these HOA parks and just going from park site to park site.  I got out of the criminal justice business into the trash business industry. And now I’m in the school district industry.

I’m selling software to school districts. I’ve always worked selling to state and federal agencies. I’ve always been in sales. But I’m really weighing this HOA camping business. Winnebago – that’s the deal. And I wish I could find another 50+ year old who would like to take that journey with me and just shrug responsibility other than to ourselves.

I know I’m at a turning point. And I truly believe I’m at a turning point in my life. If I could, I would go back to school. I mean, to get a Winnebago with the price of gas being so low and sleeping in the Winnebago you know, and buying food and cooking food on gas or a charcoal grill is very cheap to live. You know, you can live on $15 a day. So it can extend out for a long, long time. To go to school, you have to have thousands of dollars or take out thousands of dollars of loans. And at my age the thought of having $20,000 or $30,000 in notes in front of me – it’s just, no, I don’t want that burden. Ten more years and I can go to college free. Ten more years, but I think they should change that rule and make it in the 50’s. You know how they talk about men having that mid-years crisis and men have it in their late 30’s, early 40’s? Well I really believe that women go through it in their 50’s.

I truly believe it and my friends who are in their 50’s are going through the same kind of change that I am and its an unexplainable change. And its not a physical change. Its more of a whole new mental playing field. Its seeing life from a whole different perspective, a whole different vision.

Despite all her personal development work, Anne seems to be a little stuck. Do you see yourself in parts of her story? If you want to see a different take – a couple who actually did sell their home and buy the Winnebago, follow the Gypsynester. If you want a partner in vamping up your own story, contact the Life Architect.

The next circle is made up of people who you see on a regular basis socially or professionally. Perhaps they are part of your religious group or an organization. Many people have church friends who they’ve known for decades. They are supportive and active in each other’s life without quite becoming part of the inner circle. Transition Network Peer Groups, for example, may meet for years, supporting each other between meetings but rarely seeing each other outside of that setting. Members of professional groups like the Financial Women’s Association or the Committee of 200 creates strong bonds of mutual support.

The outer circle is acquaintances. You enjoy their company even though you may not have strong bonds. You are likely to come through for each other in crisis, but otherwise may not be deeply involved in each other’s lives. Our connections at all these levels are a bit like a flower garden. We need to weed, feed, prune and replant if we expect to keep our circle full, strong and healthy. How are your gardening skills?

Weed or Treat

Twice a year, it’s worthwhile to review your circles of friends. Sometimes, the circles have simply gotten too large. Are these people still important to you? Have you maintained an active relationship? If not, is this because you are no longer as interested as you once were?  Are these relationships still vibrant and supportive or have they somehow grown toxic. Look around. Some relationships will be fine left on their own – a sort of benign neglect, and others need to go. You may have some weeding to do. Consider toxic relationships first. Some clearly need to be pulled up by the roots and tossed. Some may require treatment – a deep conversation to see if the relationship can be repaired (treated) or simply must go.

Feed

If you don’t feed – nurture – your relationships, they will probably fade away. Do a quick review. Who haven’t you seen in a while? Make plans to get together or set aside time for a long call. Put together a small group of friends who will get along – or perhaps are acquainted – and have a meal or an adventure. Think about mixing circles. No matter how you do it, connections that you can’t find time for at least quarterly are in danger of withering and dying.

Prune

It’s likely that we all have a couple of very needy friends. they may need to speak with you or even see you daily. Is this what you want? if yes, then there’s nothing that you need to do. Sometimes, though, you may feel choked by a relationship that has wrapped its tendrils around your life. This is when you need to do some judicious pruning. Cut back on those tendrils. Clear out space for you. Pruning relationships is really setting boundaries. It’s letting the other person know that you don’t have time right now, then suggesting another time that works for you. Or being clear about exactly how much time you have. Or letting your voicemail work for you.

Replant

Sometimes, there’s a relationship that you value that no longer fits in the same place. I’ve had friends with whom I spent most – if not all – of my free time (and theirs) for a number of years. Then something changed. Sometimes, it was geography. Sometimes, their interests changed. Sometimes their availability. People move away or go back to work and spend more time with work friends or get involved with projects groups. Don’t give up – just replant. Redefine the relationship. Move it to a different part of your garden.

Part of replanting is finding seedlings or cuttings or new plants. Can you expand your circles to include the children or spouses or relatives of your friends? Can you add new people to your circles to reflect your new interests?

If you take the time to care for your friendship garden, you can be like friends of mine who are all well past 50, cherishing their chronological peers as well as those a decade or three younger. After all, variety makes a garden interesting, isn’t it?

Her first job was a little unusual:

I was asked to test the elongation of wire and had to write it down on a sheet. I absolutely loved it. I could wear jeans or shorts. That was unthinkable in a workplace back in 1968. We made all different types of alloy. I would have to check the elongation, or how long before the wire broke. I also did payroll, copies, etc. I absolutely loved it. I stayed until that October and I quit the job because my sister in law needed help with their first-born. I would pass ADP en route, and I would tell my mother, I’m going to work there someday.

She did come back to the company to work in ADP, processing payrolls. Then, her father accepted a job in Germany and she decided to join her family. Although she spoke very little German, she convinced a local company to hire her:

I decided I wanted a job and I said I didn’t know how to get a job. So we put an ad in the paper and got an interview with Berlin Life Insurance Company, Berlinischer Lebensverisgurng.

My German was very poor. I knew “Hello,” “Good-bye” and I knew the numbers up to 10. I had German friends that spoke English so they would translate for me when we were out. Herr Heinen had very bad English. Herr Heinen called up a programmer, Freddy Handloser, who translated for the two of us. Herr Heinen asked him how old I was and where I lived, and where I lived in the United States and if I had working papers. And everything was, Yes, Yes, Yes. And he said, Well, how are you going to communicate with your co-workers? And I told Freddy, I am here to work, not here to talk. He thought that was the greatest thing ever and hired me on the spot.

When she returned to the US, she continued in data entry until she stopped working to be home with her daughter. A combination of volunteer and part-time work broadened her interpersonal skill set:

There was an opening in our daughters school in the cafeteria as a lunch aid, so I did that instead. It actually worked out better as I knew what was going on at school. I was off when the school was closed so didn’t have to concern myself with a sitter. It was 2 hours a day. I was also Room mother, VP of our PTA, later became President, and involved with our Church. When she was in 8^th grade, they finally opened the Middle School. I was involved with PTA, and Room mother. Being a Room mother, the teachers always wanted me to go on the class trips; the faculty knew I could handle the boys. The boys knew my rules – 3 chances, they were out. But they loved me. I felt so bad when we actually moved. One kid showed up at our door. Every Halloween he came to our house. And I always made him hot chocolate.

I was in the library, or the library book fair, the regular fair. Plus, I was very involved in church, then I started dancing. I did the Mommy & Me with our daughter, which I also considered exercise. We were both in recitals and she danced for 14 years. I danced, I don’t know, probably 5 years altogether. So I really didn’t have time for jobs. So the other job just worked out perfect.

Then we moved to Georgia in 1992. I was involved within the week, joining Newcomer’s Club. I volunteered to be the Crafts Chairperson. They came here once a week and we did crafts. It was really just socializing. And then we started at everybody’s house a different week. And then we started the lunch group and everybody would bring their favorite food. Then the following year I became Vice President of the club.

My duties consisted of going to different restaurants or country clubs, meeting with the restaurant managers and then choosing for the year where we ate once a month. At one of the country clubs the manager asked me if I would like to waitress. I explained to him I had never waitressed but I helped at my daughter’s girlfriend’s mother’s restaurant for 3 months. So I worked in a country club for a little bit there. Then I had to quit. They wanted me to work more hours and it was conflicting with our daughter’s activities. I left there and got a job at Pike’s Nursery. That was seasonal. Loved it though; I got to learn about plants and soil conditions in Georgia. I then went to JC Penney and I was there a year and a half.

When she returned to work, she was able to combine her computer knowledge with her interpersonal skills:

I started at Digital as a contract worker. I talked to the [service] engineers and I absolutely loved the job. They would call in when they completed the job. Our Department would input the hours, what they did, and parts, when they finished the job, they would have a start-time and an end-time that you had to input. Working with them, sometimes you got the same people over and over. I worked there 4 and a half years, so I pretty much knew everybody.

Her mother had a serious fall, and Bunnie stopped working to take care of her:

The following year, I’m trying to get hold of my mother and expecting a call at work, and she wasn’t picking up.  By Sunday I still can’t get a hold of her. And now I’m starting to panic. I finally found a number for the neighbor. I’m going to have him go over there and see what’s going on. And the neighbor calls back; my mom had fallen down the steps and lay there for 2 ½ days. She was still alive and that was the end of me working. I left Compaq to go up north and start emptying out her house. I was up there for 6 weeks and by March we had to fly her down here. She was never able to walk again. So I oversaw her care in a nursing home environment.

This started a seven-year process of learning everything there is to know about caring for the elderly. Bunnie was a regular fixture at the facility and took on as much of her mother’s care as she could. She asked questions. She learned about the health care system. After her mother’s death, she was ready to go back to work, but the data entry field wasn’t looking good, so she made a bold move:

I tried the data entry route. No, you haven’t worked in 7 years. No one would ever call back.

Q. It had changed so much?

I don’t think so. However you input it, it’s data entry. If you’re doing Customer Service on a computer, it’s the same. No one would talk to me–and my age, too. By then I was 58-59. I saw an ad in the paper. They were looking for caregivers. And I said, well, let me just call up. Either they want me or they don’t want me. So I went to the interview and they saw my background, you know, caring for mom all those years. And they hired me. And the lady I was with was absolutely wonderful. I was with her for 3 years.

We spoke about how her early experiences contributed to her success in this new field:

My Mom always helped someone, and I was always dragged along, helping the sick. Yeah, I just didn’t think of it that way, but yeah. My neighbor up in Connecticut, she had hip replacement surgery. Her kids were out in California, so I was the one, when she had her surgery, brought her home. Brought her for doctor’s appointments. Cooked for her that first week. Figured out how to get food from her kitchen to where she would eat and watch TV or whatever. I finally made her an apron so she could put her food in containers and get it into the living room to eat.

And then  a friend from PTO got the news of ovarian cancer. So, I helped care for her. And then I had another old neighbor, and I would take her grocery shopping every Friday, you know, bring in the groceries, and yacking, or whatever. Went to Denny’s for breakfast, too. And I was taking her to see her husband in the hospital when he had a heart attack. So, yes I did caregiving but didn’t think of it that way.

Why is this new career perfect for Bunnie?

I just find my job so rewarding. It’s giving back for the loss of mom. I’ve always felt that way. I like helping, I guess. I just, you know, when Jen was little, I always had her friends over. We had a normal home life where some of these kids didn’t, or the siblings were creeps. So they’d hang out at our house. We always had her friends over. Even when Jen was in high school, the kids always came here. Not everybody has the knack for it. I’m very calm, cool and collected. The bosses give me carte blanche.

If you’re thinking about what’s next for you, don’t be limited by your resume. What else have you done? How could you use those skills?

I have met brave women who are exploring the outer edge of human possibility, with no history to guide them, and a courage to make themselves vulnerable that I find moving beyond words.

Gloria Steinem

There are so many brave women out there – some who would never think of themselves this way. Lynn Meyer, who always finds a way to be happy, no matter what issues are facing her is one. Bunnie Schrober, who never thought twice about embarking on a life of service to the elderly, despite no prior professional experience is another. Phyllis Campagnia, who is a brilliant coach and a wonderful human being is a third. In her interview, she spoke about one of her personal heroes and how this woman shaped her life:

When I was 9, I absolutely became captivated by Amelia Earhart. I read her biography and she was certainly ahead of her time in just about every way. She was determined to do what she wanted, how she wanted, and that really caught my imagination. I thought, Well, gosh, if she could do anything, I think I can too. So she truly because a major catalyst for me. She stayed with me on the journey. During that time then I also got into wanting to know the answers to things, so we know that Amelia was lost at sea. And I decided that I was going to try to find her.

Yeah, during 4^th, 5^th, and 6^th grade I researched everything I could. My mom took me on the train down to Chicago to the Pubic Library and I looked up all the microfiche and that sort of thing. I was about 10 then. And that really served me well later in life because I am an amateur genealogist and I do a lot of that work now. That’s one of my hobbies. And I learned a great deal about how to do that back then.

Well, I didn’t find Amelia but I did have a lot of fun and I did make some friends along the way doing that. I was always good in school. Loved school and I still love school. In fact, I will be exploring going back to school sometime later this year to get my doctorate. That’s my goal and then I’ll be Dr. Phil, right? But why do I want to do it? Because it’s there. And it’s exciting. What could I learn along the way? And what difference I could make as I learn? And that’s really the way I approached my life as a little girl. I was always trying to see what was out there to do.

Along those same lines, when I was in high school, because of Amelia, I became fascinated with aeronautics and the school that I attended had an aeronautics class, so I applied. I was called down to the guidance counselor’s office and they said, So, we see you applied for this and you’re not going to be able to take this course. We’re going to recommend that you take a home economics course. I said, Why? Is it full? What is your reason I can’t attend? You’re a girl. Aeronautics is for boys. I said, Well, can you tell me what they’re going to be doing in that course that I can’t do, as a female? I mean, is there heavy lifting, or what? No, it’s just that we feel it’s better. And I negotiated my way into that class and got them to change the rule. So I was the first girl in my school to take the aeronautics course. And the one thing I knew, I knew I had to ace that course and I did. I got an A+ because I knew that I was being watched, and if any girl after me wanted to take it, I HAD to open the door for her. So, I did.

Early on, Louisa May Alcott (as personified by Jo March) was my image of a strong woman. A series of strong female characters followed. For a time, my ideal was a blend of Katherine and Audrey Hepburn – quite a combination. And a sprinkling of Dorothy Parker for good measure.

I imagine Phyllis still has moments where she asks, “What would Amelia do?” And, although she says she never found her, perhaps she did.

Who are the strong women who influenced you? How are they still with you today?

April brings out impatience in me as well as conflicting desires. I want to work on the final details of the book, I want to create events and programs; I want to go out and play in the sunshine. Easter brings the joy of celebration but also serves as a marker for the Spring deaths of both of my parents.

April is the cruellest month, breeding

Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing

Memory and desire, stirring

Dull roots with spring rain.

I always forget the second phrase, going straight from April is the cruelest month to mixing memory and desire. Mixing memory and desire really hits home for me. I remember egg battles on Easter morning; I remember decades of making Easter bread. I think about the anticipation of graduations and new beginnings. I think about people I miss and opportunities I let go of. Then, desire kicks in.

This is the season of renewal and of hope. So, I’ll say some gentle goodbyes. I’ll smile a bit wistfully at some memories and then I’ll head out into the sunshine of possibilities. Time to stir some dull roots and dance in the Spring rain.