For the past few weeks, people who I perceive as having wronged or wounded me have been floating around in my head. I knew that it was past time to do a little house cleaning; I just wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Prior Efforts

Several years ago I tried two different methods of getting rid of these squatters. One was to burn the two biggest intruders in effigy. A good idea in principle, a bit harder in practice unless you choose your materials carefully. I chose two boiled wool Christmas ornaments that looked a lot like the two women who had to go. Boiled wool does not burn easily. Twenty minutes and half a box of matches later, they were gone. And they stayed gone.

The second method was to repeat a particularly frightening and hurtful line over and over until I started to laugh at an undercurrent of courtliness in a vile threat. Once I started laughing, I was able to turn the whole experience into a puff ball and blow it off into nothingness. This also stayed gone.

Today’s Effort

In the midst of a massive cleaning, straightening and dumping, I found a pad of Thank You Post-its. Perfect! Over the years, I’ve written letters to parts of my younger self whose opinions and protective actions were no longer needed and this gave me an idea. Everyone comes into your life for a reason. For what might I thank each of these people? As I wrote names on each Post-it, I thought about the lessons learned: not everyone will (or should be expected to) reciprocate kindness; create clear boundaries; have a written contract for all work; someone’s negative opinion has nothing to do with what you think of yourself. I wrote out all of my thank you notes and added a sweet goodbye note, then sent them all ablaze.

Next?

My head feels very clear now. I can keep the lessons learned and even smile at them without giving in to resentment, anger and grief. It’s a good feeling. My goal is to remember that forgiveness isn’t really forgiveness unless I’m ready to forget. And to simply shake my head and move on in the future.

Time. Who’s using yours? For me, one of the biggest challenges in managing my time is less the actual hours and minutes; it’s more the time my mind spends on projects. It’s not so hard to calendar events and project time; it’s much harder to keep my mind on one thing at a time. I’ll be working on a project of my own and suddenly find myself sidetracked into thinking about a client’s project or another project of my own or some chore that should get done.

So far, the best way I’ve been able to keep this in check is to have a pad nearby at all times or to use the note function on my phone. If i stop long enough to write down the random or off-topic thought I can usually get it out of my head and return to the project at hand.

This is a quick post – just something to think about – and I’ll circle back around to the topic again. Right now, as the rain flls outside and lightening flashes past my window, it’s food for thought.

Many of us somehow manage to do several things at once. I’m a Life Architect and Professional Noodge/Author. I know a psychotherapist/potter, two life coach/ministers, an artist/business coach, an author/workshop leader and many, many working parents. How do we juggle these roles? Stay reasonably organized? Stay reasonably sane? Squeeze in a bit of time for fun and friendship?

Is Your Calendar Your Best Friend or Worst Enemy?

Let’s start here. If your calendar isn’t your best friend, this would be a good time to remedy that. While I am generally organized, that isn’t enough. I follow the advice I give my clients:

1. Get the best calendaring tools you are comfortable with.
2. Use them!
3. Schedule everything. This includes alone time, family time, entertainment time and play dates as well as business appointments, client time and working on any career that is not client-driven (painting, sculpting, writing, photography).
4. Use online scheduling tools when you can. This saves me from double-booking, dealing with appointment changes and cancellations and allows clients to find times that suit them from a list of times that suit me.
5. Consider both electronic and paper planners. I like a paper planner that allows me to set and track goals and chart activities related to those goals. For an overall picture of my day, week, month, thought, I rely on my computer and phone. I can see where I’m supposed to be, including an address and phone number. I can block out writing time, days off, etc. and see them easily.

Next?

This is the first post in a month-long series, as part of The Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’ll be posting on a range of topics related to managing that “AND” and I hope you’ll add to the discussion with questions, comments and tips of your own.

 The Sevens

There are two sets of sevens that helped me create a life design framework for my work with women ready to construct their best life. The first is a group of seven questions that I ask women who are planning their lives:

 Life Planning

These questions help create a framework or blueprint for you to fill in to create your ideal life.

1. What will my legacy be?

This isn’t about finances, although that may be part of your thinking. How do you want to be remembered? Do you want to change the world – or the lives around you – in some way? I will always remember the professor who introduced me to transformative learning as well as my great aunt, who made the world’s best apple pie. Both of these people’s legacies are part of the life I’ve created for myself. I help people transform and, although I can’t recreate Auntie’s pie, I best some of the best cookies around.

2. What meaningful work do I now want to do?

This goes beyond paid employment. For some women, happiness lies in the perfect career; for others, the ideal volunteer activity; for some, a combination of paid and volunteer work. One friend chose a relatively dull job so that her energies were free for her political activities. One woman I interviewed has a high-powered job and still manages to be actively involved in raising prize-winning alpacas. Others have moved into heading non-profit organizations.

3. How can I fulfill my need to nurture?

Some women live for their grandchildren. Some bond with their pets. Some cuddle infants in hospitals and orphanages. Some have wonderful plants. Some mentor. There are many ways to nurture. The two rescue cats that boss me around can tell you that.

3. How can I sustain meaningful relationships in my life?

As we age, our relationships within our families and friendship circles change. Some will move from single to in relationship; some will become parents, grandparents, perhaps great-grandparents; some will lose spouses or life partners. People move away. People die. Interests change. The need for meaningful relationships, though, continues.

5. How can I express myself creatively?

Although we may not all be painters or sculptors or writers, we all need some means of expression. It could be baking or helping friends pick the perfect outfit or gardening. It could be singing in the choir or planning perfect parties. Whatever your outlet, creativity is part of a joyous life.

6. How can I meet my spiritual needs?

Spirituality does not need to be limited to formal religion to be part of a balanced life. In this context, spirituality refers to awareness of something greater than yourself from which you gain meaning. Perhaps you worship regularly. Perhaps you meditate. Perhaps you spend time in nature. Spirituality is about having a regular outlet for self-renewal.

7. What surroundings do I want?

This is about finding the right place for your ideal life. For every woman who moves to a big city later in life, there is another who seeks a simpler, more rural life. Will necessities like medical care or mobility limit your choices? Who will you want to be near? What services do you need? What activities are important to you?

Creating a Vibrant Life

The second seven is a set of characteristics that I found in the women I interviewed. These are the traits that supported creating a satisfying, lives and wild life:

1. Resilience.

Most of us face challenges in life. What’s important is having the ability to bounce back; to rise above them; to find an alternate path. Yes, we may initially respond with depression, immobility, grief and that’s both understandable and normal. But at some point, it’s time to move on. I’ve interviewed women who have lost children, husbands, parents, friends. I’ve interviewed women whose businesses collapsed, who got fired or lost jobs, who filed for bankruptcy, who survived floods and fires and rape and abuse and cancer. And they all found a way to learn from tragedy and to rebuild their lives. And they’re happy and successful moving forward.

2. Persistence.

If something didn’t work the first time, these women tried again. Or tried something slightly different. Or found a whole new path to achieve what they’d wanted from the original goal. They didn’t give up or walk away.

3. Curiosity and Restlessness.

So many women are lifelong learners. They are always exploring. Some described themselves as easily bored. It amazed me to find so many women whose attitude was, “been there, done that, loved it.” This was always followed by asking what’s next. Curiosity keeps us live, aware, exploring, and excited.

4. Openness to New Things.

This is similar to curiosity. Women who create their ideal lives are much more likely to say “why not?” than “why?” If offered the opportunity to create a new business or move to Asia, they’re there.

5. Scanning the Environment, Recombining and Synthesizing.

What do you see when you look at the world? This is about being able to take both a broad and narrow view. It’s easier to create your ideal life when you see how everything you know or have done can be recombined and synthesized – reused in unexpected ways or brought together in an unusual manner. Many of the most successful women I spoke with were also able to scan the horizon and see emerging trends and possibilities.

6. Dealing with Fear

Many of us may be afraid on a regular basis. What do you do when faced with fear? How do you separate unrealistic fears from realistic ones?

7. Creating a Legacy and Having Fun

According to Jung, the second half of life is about making meaning. What will your legacy be? What will you have contributed to the world. And finally, are you enjoying your life? Fun keeps us vibrant and young. What’s fun for you?

So, here are fourteen things for you to think about. I’ll go into greater details on each in the next few weeks. Stop by www.Susanrmeyer.com and see what’s happening.

Sounds like an odd question, doesn’t it? Mark Nepo, in The Book of Awakening, says, “What is not ex-pressed gets de-pressed.” So, today I ask myself, what needs to get uncovered? What needs to see the light of day, get felt fully, expressed to myself, then set free? The past few days, I’ve felt slighted by a few people in the outer part of my circle. Missed connections, unanswered emails – things that happen often enough; things I’ve been guilty of. Yet this felt different somehow.

Holding On

When I reflected a bit, poked around a bit, I found a huge pile of perceived slights, a bit smelly by now, growing mold, taking up space. I’d pushed them down until they became like those odd, awful things you find in the bottom of the vegetable bin when you haven’t cleaned out your refrigerator in recent memory. The more I’d pushed them down, the bigger – and smellier – they got. No surprise there.

The more I’d hold on, the more convinced I became that these slights were not overblown or imagined – they were absolutely real. I thought of that old childhood ditty, “Nobody loves me, everybody hates me – I’m gonna eat some worms.” Well, no – I don’t think so. Holding on, depressing clearly isn’t a workable strategy.

Expressing

So that means expressing – at least to myself – what I’m feeling. It doesn’t necessarily mean sharing and it doesn’t mean a deep, long therapeutic intervention. Like so many others, I’ve known the roots of these insecurities for decades. Instead, I think, it means making better use of my internal radar. It means stopping, breathing, reflecting, and asking the Byron Katie question, “Is that true?” before doing or feeling anything. And it means expressing my hurt or frustration to myself rather than pushing those feelings down like yet another piece of fruit of a questionable age left to rot in the vegetable bin.

Letting Go

I find that once I’ve expressed how I’m feeling, once I’ve looked for the truth behind the feeling, I can start to let go. I can stop feeling sorry for myself long enough to be reminded of the circle of love that surrounds me. I can think about what I might be doing to close off possibilities to expand that circle. I can reach out to find new ways to create openings for those on the outer edges. I can think of what I might be doing to push people away out of fear of future real or imagined rejection.

Results?

Over the weekend, as part of a thorough cleaning, I took the time to clean out the vegetable bins. It had been a while, and there were some nasty surprises. Yesterday, I started doing the same with my friendship circles. My intention? No more nasty surprises.

S-M-A-R-T.

For each of your accomplishments, make a list of all the steps you can think of that led to that accomplishment. Review the list with your coach or a friend to be sure you haven’t left something out.

S-M-A-R-Ten Up Your Plan

Check the steps for each accomplishment against the S-M-A-R-T criteria and tweak away until it’s as clear and strong as possible. The criteria are described below.

S – Specific

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin

 Specific accomplishment statements tell you exactly what the outcome looks like. Have you been as specific as possible? Can you clearly picture this accomplishment?

M – Measurable

Measure what is measurable and make measurable what is not so. Galileo Galilei

Can you set actual, measurable criteria for the steps to your accomplishment?

 A – Achievable

Is this something you can actually do? Is this something that you feel comfortable creating an action plan around?

 R – Realistic

 To be realistic today is to be visionary. To be realistic is to be starry-eyed. Hubert Humphrey

 Can this actually happen? Can you find examples of what you want to accomplish? I know entrepreneurs who have the business I’ve described. I know that this is something that can – and does – exist.

T – Timely and Time-Framed

Is this the right time for you to plan for this accomplishment? Do you have a realistic idea of how long it will take?

Now that it’s clear where you’re going, it’s time to look at how to get there. This is where you will draw on your goal setting skills, but you’ll be using those skills in a slightly different way. You’ll repeat this process for each of your accomplishments. Take a few minutes to review what you’ve done so far.

 Outlining the Structure

•  Go back to the previous section. What’s your vision?
• How do you see yourself at the end of the process? What have you accomplished? Think of this as your mental picture of your realized vision.

Now you have an outline for your plan.

It makes sense to start with endings, not beginnings. You already understand beginnings very well – you may be there right now, and probably not for the first time. If you’re like me, you may have spent less time thinking abut the end point – the things you will have accomplished to make your vision a reality.

This is still a big picture view. Once you see that clearly, you can create the plan to get there.

The vision that you glorify in your mind, the ideal that you enthrone in your heart, this you will build your life by, and this you will become. 
 Anonymous

 A vision is not just a picture of what could be; it is an appeal to our better selves, a call to become something more. 
Rosabeth Moss Kanter

Your personal vision statement should describe what you ultimately envision the greater purpose of your life to be, in terms of growth, values, contributions to society, etc. Self-reflection is a vital activity if you want to develop a meaningful vision. Once you have defined your vision, you can begin to develop strategies for moving toward that vision.

What do you want for the rest of your life? Take a few minutes to write your personal vision. See your best and greatest self. One women’s vision is to be the matriarch of a large, happy family while another’s may be to be President of the United States. Your vision is personal.

Sample Personal Vision Statements

• To create a foundation for women who need help getting beyond childhood abuse and neglect.
• To reach audiences worldwide with my writing and speaking.

Sample Corporate Vision Statements

• To bring inspiration and innovation to every athlete*
in the world”

 * If you have a body, you are an athlete.
• Our vision is every book ever printed in any language all available in 60 seconds.